REQUEST CLARIFICATION: WTF, over?

Far-future chivalry? Check.

Android-, Clone or Half-Human/Bioengineered Arthurian knights? Check.

Robohorses and hoversteeds? Check.

Energy lances? Merlin as an AI? Avalon as Technology school in "Sidespace"? Check, check and check again.

Cover art by John Zeleznik? Well...yes, check.

Why, oh why, is TSR's Once And Future King so bereft of love? Why is it not cooed to in the Gonzo-friendly online community? Is its fly unzipped?

Or is it because of its parentage?

Once And Future King was part of TSR's "Amazing Engine" line of games -- a series of books from the early 1990s which all shared the same minimalist, sorta-generic rules system. The conceit: you'd create one set of core stats and port them over from game setting to game setting, where the "core" abilities could be used to generate randomized ability scores and so on to make an individualized version of the core character.

Or...something.

I'm not sure how that was supposed to be cool. I remember hearing about it (and looking it over) when it came out, ca. 1993 or so, and thinking, "OK, so what? Why not just roll up a new guy each time? Why's it have to be built out of a common pool every time? How can I go about getting a date?" The system was bland then and it's bland now; I tried making a character once and while I succeeded, I was not really that moved, impressed, or excited about it.

I still haven't changed my opinion of the system, and I'm no longer dating (sorry, ladies; where were you?).

It's not hard to see why the game line failed. But rules are one thing. They can be dispensed with, and replaced with something more agreeable, moving, exciting or just plain cool, season to taste. What I don't get is why I don't hear more talk and chatter about this weird little game setting with its robohorse jousts and its Sourcerors (as in source code, because they're computer programmers) and its castles on Mars and crap like that. It's positively wacktacular, and it seems to get no love.

Weird.

The other books in the line, by the way, might be somewhat interesting, though often derivative. I quote from the Wiki page:

Bughunters
A near future worldbook where the players are clones forced to fight the aliens.

For Faerie, Queen, and Country
Magical Victorian England with a twist. Magic and Faeries are real. Includes poster map.

The Galactos Barrier
Space opera ala Star Wars (except that instead of "The Force" it's called music).

Kromosome
Biopunk using both traditional cyberware and genetic materials from animals.

Magitech
D&D meets Earth. Fantasy mixed with the contemporary world. Basically, how the world would be different if magic were real and elves, dwarves, etc. were around.

Metamorphosis Alpha to Omega
Gamma World wasn't dead in 1994; it became an Amazing Engine Worldbook (which is strange since Gamma World spawned from the original Metamorphosis Alpha game).

Tabloid!
This supplement may very well have been the inspiration for the Alternity Dark•Matter setting.

For Faerie, Queen and Country reminds one of Castle Falkenstein and Bughunters probably owes James Cameron twenty bucks, but you never know. Was King alone among these games in its...well, if not creativity, then its pure, pantsless wahoo?

Don't know, can't say. That doesn't make it any less wahoo, though, does it?

So where's the love?

Great Tastes!

I love tasty stuff. Who doesn't?

Commies.

That's who.

Commies and zombies. Probably also robots, but it's not their fault.

Here's a tasty thing: General Foods International Dark Mayan Chocolate. It's not on the company's website but I swear it's real, because I'm drinking it RIGHT NOW and Hellboy is helping. Go buy some and drink it (mix it with hot water first, you moron).

It's rich, it's smooth, it's tasty and the paper mini wizard can't cast any spells to make it any better. Click for a bigger picture, yo.

ALSO: We all know that the boys and girls at Jones Soda like to make up some batches of wooo-hoo-CRAZY sodas, especially around various holidays. This being October, there are Halloweeen flavors out.

Observe this can.
This is Jones Soda's "Lemon Drop Dead" soda. It is a tart, lemon-drop-flavored soda. It is a GOOD soda, and you're wasting time not drinking it. Go find some and treat yourself.

But beware! Observe THIS can:


It is a candy-corn flavored soda. You will find it near the tasty, lemon soda.

You may be tempted to purchase this and to put this in your mouth.

DO NOT PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH. It is vile. It is what Hell tastes like, if Hell is made of sugary, carbonated melted butter -- and after drinking this stuff, I'm sure it is. This soda will violate your tongue, sort of like if you accidentally licked Paula Deen.

Damn! That's a rambly, stupid post.

EDITED to correct pictures of good and bad sodas. Sorry, Mister Jones Webmaster!

I Don't Know Nothin' 'Bout Jangoin' No Fetts

So my little "Re-write Star Wars - Episode I" project took root. Yesterday I wrote an 8-page scene between Anakin (here, about 18 years old and a snarky young grease-monkey) and Obi-Wan (about 25 or so, adjusting to being a Jedi Knight), and it was FUN.

Oh, my, was it fun.

It was "I Can't Wait To Get Back To Writing Some More Of It" fun.

So I've decided to keep going. Today, it's the opening scene; I don't have a crawl yet, becuase I don't know what my B-plot is. The A-plot revolves around Obi-Wan protecting Anakin from the Sith (in my book, a dark Jedi cult with big plans), and Anakin dealing with the fact that he may or may not fulfill a prophecy about The Force (not to bring balance to it, but to destroy the balance) when all he wants to do is win races, soup up hot rods and chase girls. He is an orphan; he's not Jesus. He doesn't say "Yipee!". He's actually a lot like Han Solo, and he didn't build C-3P0 (but he did re-build R2-D2, whom he found in a trash heap).

But the B-plot remains. I know exactly dingus about it, except that it needs to be epic in scale, it needs to NOT involve separatists and whiny bankers, and it needs to lead into the Clone Wars.

No, sorry.

My idea of the Clone Wars.

As a teenager, the Clone Wars held great mystery to me. Clones? Wars? Wars AGAINST clones? BECAUSE of clones? To GET clones? I didn't know. No one knew. All I knew was that Obi-Wan and Anakin fought together in them alongside Leia's "father", and that Madalorians, who were utter stone-cold bad-ass mercenaries with Wookiee braids on their armor, were somehow involved. Somewhere in there the Jedi were persecuted and kacked en masse and then the Empire rose up. Everything else was nebulous, unanswered, pure speculation. The definitive story would come along in time; until then, I could play the RPG.

It'd be silly to say that I was disappointed in the prequels because they didn't match my expectations. Of COURSE they couldn't! Why WOULD they? No, I was disappointed in the prequels because I didn't like the answers I got, how I got them or who was in them. I liked Qui-Gon Jinn, and Mace Windu had a lot of potential. Young Obi-Wan was cool but kind of one-dimensional. I didn't really like any of the other characters, to be frank.

So now I'm playing an RPG again, but instead of assuming the role of a Rebel PC and throwing dice, I'm assuming the role of the screenwriter. And it's not about thinking I can do any better.

It's about thinking that I can do, and then doing.

So no Gungans. Bad-ass Mandalorians. Rogueish, immature Anakin. No political commentary. More engaging characters. No wuxia Jedi fights, either, even though the Jedi are based on Samurai. More hot rods. More female characters. More personal space battles. No Yoda, except mentioned in whispered tones. Sinister, devious, dark Sith.

And no midichlorians.

We'll see how it goes!

I Had A Dream, I Had An Awesome Dream

In it, I had re-written Star Wars - Episode I: The Phantom Menace as a spec script for my own amusement and experience. Just to have written a screenplay, see? Learn-as-you-go type thing.

My spec got into the hands of a studio exec (in my dream, my cousin Lisa; go figure) who looked at it and called me in and said, "This is PERFECT! This is what I've been looking for - a million-dollar idea. It's creative, it's energetic!"

I got a contract out of it.

Thing is, I've often thought about re-writing the prequels, for fun and practice. Not because I think I can do any better, but because it'd be easy for me.

One of my supervisors at work suggested a few months ago that I could switch from doodling between calls, to writing a screenplay instead, and that if I got hassled for it, he'd back me up.

So today, to limber up, I'm writing a scene from MY Episode I, between Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker. Anakin's older, maybe 18, and a total space-greaser. It's slow going because I'm at work, but it's fun...

I hope I develop a sort of addiction to doing this, so that I can finally get off my butt and get ON my but to write a screenplay.

Why Is The Buddha Clutching His Gut?

You know...the old me never would've done what I did on Thursday. But the new me totally did, and it felt goooooooood.

Starting this blog, and talking about the gaming-related change of mind-set as I do, has really had a positive effect on me. My gamemastering style really is changing, and it's for the better. I feel...

...I feel like a new GM.

My wife and I were on vacation this past week, which is why I didn't update a whole lot. We had whole days to ourselves, and we wasted them with efficiency and gusto. On Thursday, for instance, we gamed pretty much all day long. My wife's idea the night before was this: we would each make a 5th-level Castles & Crusades character, then one of us would start running a game for the other. Then, at a lull, we'd switch. It was good stuff; I felt young again.

As unusual as that is for us, that's not really what I'm getting at.

She made an exiled Queen of the Horse Tribe (which she made up), while I got all multiclassed* with a Swashbuckler/Wizard (we used some third-party classes). She started the game in the Shaar (Forgotten Realms), and we got rolling. Her character was escorting mine away from an airship wreck and to the city of Shaarmid. Resting one night, we got jumped by a kobold hunting party. Sleep is a marvellous spell, and 16 kobolds are more trouble than you think.

With her part a a lull, it was my turn to take over.

I had nothing.

Nothing, nothing, nothing. All I knew was that we were on a trek through the FR equivalent of the savannah, and that this grassy plain was dotted with huge ravines and many ruins. I had no idea what to do.

I fumbled for a bit, looking for ideas. I rolled on charts. I looked through monster manuals. I rolled on more charts. I came up with a quick bit where some Wemics warned our PCs to vacate their current shelter ASAP, 'cause it was on their hunting grounds, but after that....?

I was dry. Nothing was coming to me. Tools were ineffective in my hands. Logic no were.

So I kicked logic to the curb, took off my shoes and dipped my toes in the rolling, roaring stream of consciousness. And this was the idea that I plucked out:

Ruined castle in a ravine, inhabited by fairies, and they are bastards.

Having just recently re-read Kenneth Hite's essay on fairies of myth vs. fairies of...uh...Barbie, it's not surprising that I came to this. But the important thing is this:

All those tools, techniques, tips, tricks, etc. were feeling like a crutch, so I just went with my gut.

Sulya of the Horse Tribe and Theodric The Quick promptly found the abandoned castle (rolled up out of Wilderlands Of High Fantasy d20's "random ruins" charts), blew their saving rolls, and ended up facing illusions they couldn't make go away. They were at the mercy of the cruel and mischievous fae -- chiefly, Lord Brittlebutt, who looked like a fat Shakespeare, who promised togive them magic items f they would only do stupid stuff to amuse him. Sulya said no; I had Theodric follow suit...and they got a facefull of Confusion cast on 'em.

5 rounds later, after attacking each other at odd intervals, Sulya had Theodric down to 1 hp, and Brittlebutt finally gave up.

Now...here's the thing.

There was no plot. No story. No theme, no expectations...nothing. Just the gusto of a random encounter, an incident in these characters' lives.

THE OLD ME WOULD NEVER HAVE ALLOWED HIMSELF TO DO THAT.

The Old Me would've been all about internal consistency and logic and a plot and a goal and -- well, about trying too hard.

So, instead, I stopped trying. I just Did, like Yoda says.

Result? A dire encounter, a mood-setting situation, a definite setback which required further effort on the PCS' part, and -- get this:

It resulted in a STORY.

Maybe it's more of a vignette, or an anecdote, but it happened to those PCs and those PCs continued to talk about it. In fact, on Friday, we had Leaky Pete over for more gaming, our PCs told his PC about it.

I didn't aim for a story, but I got one anyway. I got a neat memory, too.

And I had fun.


*Admit it, you read it like this: "MOOL-tee-classss."

INDIANA: Land Of No Game Conventions For Doc Rotwang!, For The Most Part

See...here's the the thing.

I've mentioned before that my job blacks out time off during August, because that's when students come back and it's ridiculously busy. So while I'm raking in lots and lots of of sweet overtime luchre, I can't go spend it where I'd like to spend it, which is Gencon.

So, no Gencon for Doc.

Okay. But there's also InConJunction. That's July 4th, but my wife can't get July 4th weekend off, so while it looks nice (I've never been to it because I'm an idiot), I'm less likely to go without her. So...shaky.

Oh, but what about Pentacon? Well, maybe. But click the link and you'll see why I'm not even sure it's going to happen this year. Apparently, if I wait 23 years...

Ah, but what about all those other gaming cons in Indiana, you ask? Surely, there must be tons of them, no?

Well...

...No.

Sorry For The Snit-Fit

And thanks for understanding. I got my Underoos in a knot but you guys are being cool about it.

That's love.

I'm very grateful to have readers.

However, I am going to have to ask you all kindly to stop these jokes about the robot. It's a silly thing to be bothered about, but it really, really does bother me.

I was very excited to hit on a new look for the blog, and especially to make the image. I felt it captured a lot of my personal aesthetic, not to mention how strongly reminiscent it is of my favorite decade. I was pleased with the result and even moreso to put it up on the blog.

The robot image was especially important. Since I started planning the new look, I knew I needed something personal and striking. I thought about a lot of things but eventually decided on two ideas: dice, or a robot. I looked around for some good dice images but quickly decided it should be a robot instead. I've always liked robots; they hold a certain fantastic fascination for me, and they represent a lot of things that I can't even put into words.

When I drew the sketchy robot, I was very happy with it, even though it's obviously just a sketch. In fact, you could say that because it's a sketch, it's even more personally representative. I liked its loose, spontaneous look. I felt it expressed me very well.

To have jokes made about it was annoying at first but now...now it's just depressing. It's depressing and it even makes me angry, especially when it comes from people that I like.

Yes, it's a very silly thing to be sensitive about. I don't care. Please stop.

Thank you.

Can't Stop Makin' Risus Characters

It's crazy. It's, like, all I do anymore. Eat, sleep, watch Doctor Who, and stuff like this:

SISTER MARY OPHELIA OF THE SACRED ORDER OF THE THREE-ROUND BURST

DESCRIPTION: A modest-looking, if athletic, nun in black habit and wimple. She wears wire-frame glasses and no makeup. Underneath her robes is an arsenal of small arms worthy of a Guns & Ammo centerfold. She is ruthlessly dedicated to her task, which usually involves shooting PCs real good.

Pistol-Packin' Nun (4), Surprisingly Good Athlete (3), Religious Zealot (3)

She is often accompanied by her backup team, a Quartet of Gun-Toting Battle-Nuns (5).

INSPECTOR LOMBARDI, OF THE POLICE

DESCRIPTION: A trench-coat-and-fedora-wearing walking cliché of the police inspector. Uptight, suspicious and constantly on alert. He's tall and thin and wears a pencil-thin mustache. Always introduces himself as 'Inspector Lombardi, of the Police", even if you've already met him.

Police Inspector (3), 4-Time Winner of the National Trivia Contest, Sponsored By Waffle-Os Cereal (4), Dedicated Aerobiczer (3)

KYLE OVERTON-BRISBY III

DESCRIPTION: 20-something blonde-haired East Coast yuppie. Wears Dockers, Polo shirt, deck shoes and a teal Izod sweater tied around his shoulders. Likes to impress people with his conspicuous upward mobility, and is fond of using trendy buzzwords like "chipotle", "conspicuous upward mobility" and so on.

BMW-Driving Yuppie (3), Junior Investment Banker (3), Clothes Horse (2), Closet Rocky Horror Fan (1)

GRIMALDA O'BOYLE

DESCRIPTION: A cackling, green-skinned witch. Smells like cobwebs and fish, for whatever damn reason. Wears a pointed hat and stirs her cauldron a lot. The whole bit!

Witch [3], Avant Garde Hairdresser (2), Former Roller Derby Player (2)

TL7

DESCRIPTION: A clunky, 1930's-style robot with rivets, hoses, blinking lights and so on. Has big metal pincers and a miniature twirling radar dish on his dome. TL7 clicks and whirs like a a typewriter making out with a telex machine (incidentally, something that he thinks about now and again, to his robotic shame), even when he's standing still. His voice is deep and booming; think of Robby The Robot in Forbidden Planet. He might sound like Barry White, though, if that's funnier.

Robot (4), Majordomo (3), Connoisseur of Fine Wines & Cheeses (2), Ballerina (1)

What gives?!

Heartbreak On The Lunch Menu

Today, I'm eating a Lean Cuisine Chicken Enchilada Suiza. "Swiss Enchilada". It's good. The tortilla is made of corn, which pwns those white things that are usually foisted at me under the "tortilla" moniker.

One time in Mexico City I went to the Sanborns restaurant in the famed Casa de los Azulejos ("House of Tiles") and ordered a plate of Swiss enchiladas and ate them slowly, by myself. It was 1995 but that didn't matter. It was a delicious meal, sweet and tart and spicy, chicken enchiladas smothered in a cheese and a sauce of cream and green tomatoes, and I ate it deliberately, with gusto.

The building itself is gorg--

No no no.

Wait.

It's freaking gorgeous, a Spanish colonial palace built in the XVI century and inherited by Don Luis de Vivero y Luna Ircio, Second Count of the Valley of Orizaba. Yes, I looked it up on Wikipedia. There's a great story about it but I'm having trouble translating it right now. Long story short, it's beautiful.

It's so beautiful, so unique, so storied and so far away, that it breaks my heart.

...

...since it says "gaming" up there next to the robot, I guess I ought to say something about that in reference to this building. And since I love to let a picture do the talking, here's this:

One Year Old Today.

I Waste The Buddha With My Crossbow is one whole year old today. What have we learned since?

• The podcast will be irregular at best.
• I can't seem to explain where I went wrong with Iron Gauntlets.
• It's OK to steal ideas from existing stories, movies and etcetera, but it's better if you diverge from the inspiration you take from them.
• Milkman Dan is alive and well, and his name is Mike and he's a bastard.
• Random generation of game materials is, and always has been, a great idea.
• Mexico City is the cyberpunk city, dang nabbit.
• Writing The Adventure Funnel seems to be the single most popular thing I've ever done.
• Winging it, as a GM, is easier when you take your pants ff (metaphorically, anyway) and trust yourself.
• Jeff "The Evil DM" Mejia thinks the title "Fudge Pirates" is funnier than it really is.

Oh, and I turn 33 today.

ROBOT!

THERE.

Captain Marco Sterling

Description: Owner/Operator of the freelance merchant starship Spring Session M. A swarthy, swashbuckling space captain with charisma, panache and a really cool spacer's jacket.

Swashbuckling Merchant Starship Captain (3), Honors Graduate of the Antonio Banderas School for Boys Who Want To Grow Up To Be Antonio Banderas (4), Zorro With Guns (3).

HOOK: Marco won the Spring Session M fair and square in a game of cards. Unbeknownst to him, the previous owner didn't come by it half as honestly...and its original owner is still fairly unhappy about the whole affair. EDIT: The extra die went into an upgrade for the Session.

Eh? Eh? Eh?

EDIT: Oh, yeah.

Nerd At Work

As I Waste The Buddha With My Crossbow approaches its 1st anniversary, I decided to spiff things up a bit. So I threw together that cockamamie title image you see above, only to find that the template I had didn't look right under it.

So I'm having to re-do my template selection a bit.

Please bear with the changes and junk.

EDIT: Does that robot look kinda fat?

Always The GM, Never A Player [4]

...except this past Sunday.

For this past sunday, Leaky pete came over to La Casa Asombrosa De Los Rotwang!, and he ran some Risus action for my wife and me. Finally, finally, finally, I got to play a game at the same time as my wife!

About DAMN time.

Leaky Pete did pretty good, too. He ran a (loose) Harry Potter parody, featuring students of magic/weird powers (us) at a school in the US. He set it in northern California, for some reason; I dunno. No matter.

I played Dash Campbell, 17-Year-Old Teen Hearthrob (4), 6th-Year Wizarding Student With A Knack For Cold Spells (3), Snappy Dresser (2), Minor In Theatre Who Just Needs That Lucky Break (1).

Amber played Alvadera Martin, Smartypants Know-It-All (3), Spellcaster (3), Really Likes Clams (2), Psychic (2).

We had a mutual (NPC) friend named Scott, who was trying to get into a fraternity (students at this school get more priviledges earlier, or something). His task: go down to the Mundie school down the road and steal their mascot, a peacock. His cronies: Us. Ha-HA!

We had to talk Alvadera into going, by lying about the other school using clams as cosmetic testing subjects. We drove over in my red Trans Am and broke in. After sneaking around in the dark amidst lots of banter, we found the peacock, shrank it down by 50%, and snuck it out, barely spotted by the Rent-A-Cops. Success!

The best part, though, was the spellcasting -- we made up names for all of our spells, Harry Potter style. "Enbeeceeus Locatus", f'r'ex, was a failed spell to locate the peacock from outside; "Goodyearus Deflatus", however, succeeded quite nicely at flattening the Rent-A-Cops' tires. "Frigidairus!" partially froze a passed-out naked guy in the locker room (don't ask; I dunno either) ensuring that he'd stay asleep.

Sadly, I did not get to use "Giganto Gazongas!".

Such is life.

Today Is Another Day To Find You

Language.

Art.

Culture.

Society.

Motion pictures.

Music.

Electricity.

Clothing.

Diners.

Great human achievements without which life would not be as it is today. True, very true.

But you don't now this, and no one's aware, but there's one reason and one MAIN reason, a driving reason, an ultimate reason why all of these were invented, one final and dedicated event in human development, the omega point of our achievement as a race, a people, an entity, a power.

The reason we came down from the trees, and proof that we deserved the right.



Everything else...

...is incidental.

Three Risus Characters

Yeah, I'm on a Risus kick. There are worse things to be all jazzed up about, and this one's legal. I opened up the Companion to access its "Omnigroovy Megaversal Background Machine"* the other night and got to reading the whole thing again, and so here we are.

Today during lunch I wrote up a trio of characters, suitable for...uh...

...

...hell, you figure it out.

LANCE DAUGHTRY

Description: A skinny, greasy-haired 20-something in a McDonald's uniform. He's a little uneasy around girls, loves to talk about stock car racing and is the chosen of Odin to save Midgard from destruction by Fenris the wolf.

Gawky Burger-Flipper (2), Enthusiastic NASCAR Fan (3), Chosen By Odin To Save The World From Utter Devastation [3]

HOOK: Clueless about girls and Norse mythology

LLOYD THE DESTROYER

Description: A chubby, 40-something accountant, nebbishy and a neat freak but he still has a full head of hair thank you very much. He possesses the ability to destabilize order in any structure, be it physical, emotional, social or whatever. He doesn't know why he has the power; he figures it's probably just some kind of cruel, cosmic joke. (He's right.)

Nebbishy Accountant (3), Engine Of Pure Chaos [3], Closet Parrothead (1)

THE RUMSQUATCH**

Description: An 8 ½' tall, smelly, shaggy anthropoid forest-dweller who is constantly drunk. He's surly and moody and just wants to be left alone.

Skunk Ape (5), Moody Drunk (3), Connoisseur Of Fine Gas Station Liquors (2)

I actually have...let's see...9 other characters I've written up over the last few days, but they'd take a while to type up and besides, who cares how many I've got written up?




*I'm not sure if that's right; Leaky Pete is borrowing my binder, and he's really into it.
** Credit my wife for THAT zinger, just like "Domo Origami, Mister Salami".

Le Mato Al Rapero Con Mi Vihuela. ¡Ajúa!

So just today I discovered the Risusiverse Wiki, becuase why it took me so long I don't know. But anyway, it's good stuff and oh my god it has THIS PAGE.

It's a Risus game where you play Mariachis.

Mariachis.

Dig:

All across the USA are people who love music. Some people love rock and roll, some love rap, and some even love disco. But you and your companions know the truth. The best music in the world is…Mariachi! Yes, that beautiful Spanish guitar, the folk harp, and the guitarrón and vihuelas make the perfect musical performance that people will love. But a lot of muchachos and muchachas are lured into less perfect music by many performers around the country. So it is you and your band mate’s duty to convert these misled peoples to the wonder of mariachi, and to also stop the other band’s seemingly endless bids for world domination. Yes, you will play for crowds, hone your mariachi playing skills, and battle the other non-mariachi bands and their minions as they try to take over the world. Welcome to Risus Mariachi. ¡Olé!

Did you get that?

Risus.

Mariachis.

Kicking butt and playin' tunes.

¡Sáquese, Rapero!

The only reason I will accept for you NOT playing this game, is if you are dead.

Please do not be dead.

Dragon Magazine #145

I mentioned this issue two times last year, in a post about randomly-generated castles and stuff. I had call for this venerable issue of Dragon recently, as I needed...uh...a random castle. So I pulled it off the shelf and got to looking at it.

I love this issue of Dragon. It is a good issue of Dragon. Here's what's in it.

5 articles about castles.

"A Castle Here, A Castle There" by Daniel Salas, is the article I'm always talking about. It expands upon the table in the DMG to help you create a castle at random.

"Holding Down The Fort", by Matt Iden, serves a neat purpose, too. Y'see, back in Ye Olde D&D Dayes, a PC who got to a certain level could build him- or herself a stronghold. Why not? They've earned it! So, now that a PC has house and home, what happens next? Behold a table of random events that might befall this lofty keep. A spy appears! There's a racial clash amongst the populace! An entire patrol goes missing! What's Lord 15th-Level to do?

"Strongholds Three" is straight-frward: it presents a trio of castles, ready for use. Maps, thumbnail descriptions and hints on how to use 'em. Nothin' but meat.

Well, castles, actually.

"Your Home Is your Castle", by Patricia Cunningham-Reid, discusses the offensive and defensive architecture pf medieval European castles. A fun, informative read which will doubtless get your tactical gears grinding; plus, you can learn why castle staircases are usually round, which can make for challenging encounters you bet.

"Bazaar of the Bizarre - The magic fortress: magical items for fantasy castles" is just what it says it is.

Some fun reviews.

Not only does this issue review some now-classic computer games like "Gold Rush!", "Wizardy V" and the old "Star Wars arcade game for MS-DOS, it also has a nice, in-depth review of 2300 AD and a few of its supplements. I love these old dragon reviews; they're thorough and even-headed more often than not, and they reach back to a time when gaming mags were about gaming, not just about one company's product. Granted, Dragon was largely focused on D&D, but it still pointed out other companies' stuff for its readership.

The mag is rounded out by some book reviews, an article on painting miniatures' faces, a piece of fiction and some "DragonMirth" comics...and the last-ever "SnarfQuest" strip. Love it or hate it, Larry Elmore's fantasy adventure strip was a mainstay for many years, and it offered gorgeous pen-and-ink art, more than a little inspiration and his trademark beautiful women. It's a landmark any way you slice it.

The advertisements make for good nostalgia. There's a full-page, full-color ad for "Battletroops - A game of urban man-to-man combat in the Battletech Universe" with art by Dave Dietrick, an advert for WEG's then-nascent Star Wars RPG line (consisting of 18 proucts, all pictured), and an ad for the brand-new, forthcoming, game-changing Advanced Dungeons & Dragons 2nd Edition. "your toughest opponent shouldn't be the rulebook", it proclaims.

Aah. Memories.

Last but not least, it features one of my favorite pieces of FRPG art ever: A painting called "Saving The Best For Last" by Daniel Horne. It was the cover of a previous issue of Dragon, but here it's inside, shilling Dungeon. No matter; I smile every time I see it, because for reasons I cannot interpret, this image never fails to fire up my desire to game. Here, what's it do for you?



Dragon Magazine #145. Good stuff.

Catching Up!

ITEM! - I've added a blog-roll doohinkey off to the side there. Give it time, it'll grow. Note that my wife's blog, the aptly-titled "Random Access Memory" is on there, too.

ITEM! - The Seven Cities has shifted focus a bit. It's no longer a setting book; it'll just be genre advice, bestiary and adventures. It's also been re-titled to Ancient Adventures - A Mediterranean Fantasy Supplement for Broadsword.

ITEM! - I'm sick of hearing about the damn Big Ten Network. Seriously. I'm done. That's it. No more.

ITEM! - It's still hot here, so autumn's deceitful hand is stayed...but for how much longer?

ITEM! - Long story made short, all day today I had stuck in my head these words: "Slapamafoola...Jackupthemoolah...Fibbity-Flabbitty-Fop!" It's...weird, being here in my head.

There. You're caught up.

"7 Cities" Preview

Mind -- this is from a rough, first draft:

The key is to be unafraid of the fantastic. Dare! Logic need not apply to your adventures as much as sheer, fantastic awesomeness should. In fact, do not hesitate to go the extra mile and mix up ideas; for instance, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad featured a cyclopean centaur -- not because such a creature existed in any myth or previous story but because it looked cool. So you should be unconcerned about any convention but the one you're really emulating, and have free license to mash up monsters, myths, legends, locations and cultures.

A word of caution, however: "Camp", defined as "an aesthetic in which something has appeal because of its bad taste or ironic value", is best avoided. The source films are not silly. Rather, their outlandishness is earnest and presented as a vehicle for drama and excitement, not as laughable absurdity.

What's Worse Than A Plate Of Poo?

Fall and I do not get along. At all.

Despite my birthday and a few good memories, despite Halloween and cheapmonster movie DVDs for sale at Target, I hate fall. I hate it right inits damn face. Come the first hint of crispness in the air, the days ofbright sunlight unsoftened by Summer's haze, my life stops being mine.My energy wanes, my outlook darkens and my interests are a little lessinteresting.

People sometimes ask me why this is. How is this possible? Why do Ihate fall so much? Why do I seem to get so 'down' at this time of year?

The answer lies in a simple fact: it's a season of transition.

Time for a little thought experiment. Let's do this together, you andI.

Imagine for a moment that you are eating at a restaurant. On the table before you is a plateful of your favorite meal. It's the stuff you livefor, the stuff you crave all the time, the experience that makes you glad to be alive. It tastes right, it feels right, it is the very definition of right. There is nothing else like it in the world.

You soon notice a presence hovering by you. A waiter. He leans in slowly, and with deliberate motion takes your plate into his hand. "I'm so very, very sorry," he says smugly, "we are no longer serving thisparticular dish. It's being replaced, you see." You watch, fork in hand, as your plate is withdrawn, and a second plate is served. "Here is your new meal. No other option, you see, so sorry."

A cold, stinky pile of poo.

There's a nice dessert with your meal, and a toy, too. But mostlythere's the poo, and it sits there, congealing and stinking in front ofyou.

And while you struggle helplessly to decide which end of this mofo to punch, your fellow diners are looking at him with awe and admiration, and they gasp, "Oh, look at that waiter, dressed in such pretty colors."

Eventually, you'll become numb to the stink. It just kind of happens.

But that waiter?

That waiter is a jerk, and he should be slapped in the face with a flaming shovel.

Z0MG T3H PHILXXORZ!!1!!!!

Teh Philxxorz are teh blogxxorz!!! 2!!!

Okay, so my buddy Phil, who I've mentioned before, totally wishes he were me and so he's started a blog of his own. Dude's gonna talk about all kinds crazy stuff entertainment-related, and he's starting off on games of the board- and video-variety. Like, say, Heroscape for instance why not.

Phil is a good writer; go read him.

But ease up on the hammer, ladies -- he's married.

Yes, yes, I know. All the good ones.

Seven Cities Update

Work began last night. It's looking like it'll be kind of a bifold product; on one hand, it'll be a genre guide for, you know, Sinbadesque sword-and-sandal adventures, as well as a fully-playable (but not overly-detailed!) game setting.

Actually, my wife is going to detail the world very thoroughly for her own purposes, and we'll put some capsule versions of the setting info into the finished product.

Is "bifold" a word? Mozilla sure doesn't think so.

Better Dull Than Dead

I took a D&D alignment quiz on the Webternetron. Aaaand... You scored as Neutral Good, A Neutral Good person tries to do the 'goodest' thing possible. These people are willing to work with the law to accomplish their goal, but if the law is corrupt they are just as willing to tear it down. To these people, doing what's right is the most important thing, regardless of rules, customs, or laws. True Neutral 70% Neutral Good 70% Lawful Neutral 50% Lawful Good 50% Lawful Evil 40% Chaotic Evil 35% Chaotic Neutral 25% Chaotic Good 20% Neutral Evil 10% What is your Alignment? created with QuizFarm.com

Either I'm Just Easily Impressed...

...or the Hollow Earth Expedition Gamemaster's Screen is a hell of a quality product.

Last weekend, I called up my FLGs and said, "I'd like one Hollow Earth Expedition Gamemaster's Screen, please!" They placed the order and had it in within the week. On Friday I rolled in to run my D6 Space Pirates game and made ready to purchase the item I requested.

Uh-BWUH.

I'll...let...the pictures speak.



LOOK at this thing! It's thick, it's sturdy, it's beautifully illustrated and it's not what I expected. Oh, the official web page advertises it as being a "hardback" GM screen, but...you know, I must not have picked up on that, because...uh...

...I'm dense.

The booklet, by the way, has new character goodies, expanded continuous combat rules, and an introductory scenario. It's a nice package, and all for One Jackson.

Exile Games continues to impress. I hear that White Wolf's GM screens are this good, too, but since I don't play those games, that fact is a little less awesome to me.

Well, there's only one thing for it: a Seal of Approval, Rotwang! Style.



Yeah, I coulda done better with the Photoshop. Gimmie a break, it's Sunday morning.

Forward...To Fabulous Prizes!!

Forward...To Adventure! is an old-school-type RPG written by The RPG Pundit and published by Flying Mice. It's seriously old-school in its approach and that's beautiful. Click on this link to read a review.

Over on The RPG Site,The Pundit has asked Jeff Rients and me to help him judge a random chart design contest. Easy action - you create a chart, you submit it, and you could win stuff. First prize is either $50 or churrasco and clericó with The Pundit.

Okay, okay, just the fifty. You can also win Flying Mice stuff, and that's never bad.

I think it's a neat idea, and since we all know how I feel about randomly-generated gaming yummies, I am -as the kids say on the MTV- down with it.

If you're of like mind, go on ahead and check it out. If you're afraid of The RPG Site because you've heard stories, just remember -- Jeff and I hang there. He's not evil and I'm just goofy.

So there.

I Don't Believe In Heaven.

But if it does exist, it looks EXACTLY like this:

Lepzig Is Calling My Name

I love Thomas Dolby.

Back in high school, I did a cable radio show at a local station called WQAX (which has a storied history all its own). I'm not sure if we were actually allowed to do this, but some of us would take records home to listen to them and see if we wanted to play them on our shows.

A guy named Troy was with me one day in the studio. He knew I was discovering all the new wave music that I'd never had available, and he suggested that I check out Thomas Dolby's "The Golden Age Of Wireless". I had no idea what it was but I went along with it. Hey, crazy science stuff on the cover, right? I took it home and listened to it.

It didn't grab me. It made me think of some kind of retro-SF stuff; I remember picturing things that we would now call steampunk, but for the most part, I just...wasn't...hooked.

This would later become one of the biggest WTF?! moments in my life.

In the Summer of 1990, I was visiting my Dad in Kansas City. We were out hitting up garage sales, looking for books and records. We struck out all day long, until the very last house we tried -- they had some Wakeman albums, some jazz fusion stuff my Dad wanted to try out, a couple of Darksword novels and "The Golden Age Of Wireless" on tape. One buck.

I shrugged and picked it up. What the hell? Maybe I'd change my --

Ho.

Lee.

COW.

Listening to it again in my Dad's den, something...I dunno what, but something went off in my head, in me. There was stuff going on in this album that I couldn't identify. Something strange and exciting and exhilarating and comforting. Suddenly, this record, this experience, belonged to me.

In some ways, I think that that album fused to my identity. I felt the way that record sounded.

That October, I got a copy of the CD for my birthday, and you can pry it out of my cold, dead hands. I named my unattainable dream girl "Europa", after the lost lover in "Europa and the Pirate Twins". In a screenplay I've never written, the heroine is named Caroline FourFiveTwo. In stories I made up, my protagonists liked Dolby, too, and I'd drop references to the songs everywhere I could. I can sing that album back to front. I romanced a girl over the phone by singing "Weightless" to her. If I ever get off my ass and write some 80's pulp adventures, Rob Dolby is waiting to be my Buckaroo Banzai.

It's 17 years later, and I'm a different guy. I never stopped liking that album, or Dolby's music (hell, I may have been the only person in this whole college town who purchased "Astronauts And Heretics" -- TWICE, no less), but I have gone through periods away from it. The other night, though, I needed something kinda calming to listen to so I tossed a couple of Dolby tracks ("Leipzig" and "Budapest By Blimp") onto my wife's iPod.

It turns out that you can, sort of, go home. I only say 'sort of' because...well...I'm not the 16-year-old bottle of shaken-up hormones that I was in '90, so it's a different experience...but not by much.

The weirdest part is checking out Thomas Dolby now. He's bald, and heavier, and -- well, time's done its thing to him. He doesn't look like the Thomas Dolby I remember. That's inconsequential to my memories, of course; it's just weird. It's funny that, after all this time, the music is still as powerful; you can't feel time's marks on it.

There aren't any.

Point? Oh, yeah. Well, I'm feeling at once elated and maudlin. I really wish I'd been around and of age to experience all the New Wave stuff as it happened, instead of...well, I was 5 when Gary Numan's "Cars" came out. I sometimes daydream of being in my early 20's around that time, running around and going to clubs and buying records and generally LIVING it.

Pathetic? Maybe. But definitely sincere.

Love Spreads Like Butter

In a recent blog post, Ye Olde Evile DM mentioned a blog called "Musings of the Chatty DM". I went to check it out.

The latest entry was called "The Rule Of Cool", and it had a link to a cool website that I'll probably spend a long, long time reading if I ever have some time to my own damn self. Anyway, the author's choice of subject impressed me, because it's the same kind of thing I've been trying to say for close to a year now only in fewer words.

I see a kindred spirit in the dude when I read a passage like this one, from the aforementioned post:

Which basically makes me think that that my efforts as DMs should not so much be
on far-reaching World Building and tight nitpicking-proof plotlines and such. I
should go all out for encounters and role playing that will swamp my players in
coolness. Think combat on ice Bridges, negotiating the release of prisoners in a
flooding underground prison, hopping from floating island to pieces of flying
ruins in order to catch the thieves of the Star jewel of Radnia. Yeah, that`s
the ticket!

See? Fewer words.

I am grateful for every reader I have, and I don't know where I'd be without you guys mentioning I Waste The Buddha With My Crossbow to your cronies. I bet that Phil The Chatty DM would like it if the same thing happened to him, so I'm pointing at his blog and saying, "Dude, check that out".