Friday, May 14, 2010

I Would Be A Better Starship Captain Than Cameron From "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"

Pfffffsh. Geeez.

...okay. So the other night I was watching Star Trek: Generations, because AMC has it on repeat or something and, at the time, there was nothing else on which was appropriate for my kid.

So there's Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, right, and he's captain of the Enterprise-B, and he's taking it for a spin to Pluto and stuff to show it off to the CNN-Of-The-Future guys. The Shat is there, too, and he's kinda tubby but he's still Kirktastic.

So the ship picks up a distress signal from a couple of ships that are stuck time/space...anomaly...fart-rip or whatever. Mere minutes outta spacedock, this boat can't get a break; comes with the name, I guess. Anyhow, there's the distress signal, right? And I'm sitting there watching (I haven't seen the movie since it came out, so I remember none of this), and I put my Captain Hat on.

Pictured: A problem I solved before a Starfleet graduate could.

And I'm all, like: "Hail them. Tell them we're on the way; Helm, do that." I mean, I'm captain of nothing in real life, but -- hell, that's what you do when you are the captain of the freaking Enterprise.

I mean, that what I think. But the real captain? On the TV screen, in the movie, what does he do?

He starts to choke up and he's, like, "OMG not prepared kthxbai".


...really? I mean, really? Okay, so maybe his ship is ill-equipped, but, damnit -- you at least answer the hail and show up to try something. Because YOU ARE CAPTAIN OF A SHIP.

Well, then he's told that Enterprise is the only ship in range, and that the ships' hulls are getting all busted up. THEN he starts shaking like a...thing...that shakes, and he starts hemming and hawing and looking at Kirk and --

-- and I'm on the couch, thinking, "HAUL ASS! WARP SEVENTEEN OR WHATEVER AND GET INTO TRANSPORTER RANGE! Where'd you go to Space Guy school, the Hello Kitty Institute?!"

Meanwhile, a ship's hull buckles under the force of a spatio-temporal warp nexus and over 200 people totally die.

So Cameron (okay, the character's name was John Harriman, but all I could think of was lumps of coal) breaks. He breaks, and looks over at Kirk, to ask for help.

And what does Kirk say?

To paraphrase, he says: "Haul ass, get into transporter range." They do, Scotty saves 47 out of 150 people, so it's too little, too late. BUT IT WORKED.


...and I'm more of a Star Wars guy, even.

"Let my Cam-'ron-gooooooooooo...!"

What's that you say? Do I own a copy of FASA's Star Trek Starship Tactical Combat Simulator? Why, yes; indeed I do. Funny you should ask...